it takes just a split second to make a bad decision and seems like it takes a lifetime of practice to make a good one in the moment.
in the moment...yeah, that's my problem.
I think they have another couple words for it. Self -control. In the blink of an eye, I can go from the resolve to do right- to hold back words that shouldn't be uttered- to obeying the urging inside to "speak out." Funny, I also miss it and hold back words that should be spoken- in the moment.
my true problem is that a lifetime of "in the moments" build habits and character for better or worse.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Missing in Action
I have been missing for a while. Living but not really present. Stifling my heart and denying my soul for lesser things. Dutiful things, fleshly things, fulfilling others dreams while denying your own. If God is at the helm of this, there can be some benefit. Joseph in prision, Moses in exile, me serving a congregation in need.
But there is a time to pursue passionately what you have been called to do. To get out of the prision, face the Pharaoh and stand up for what you were created to do. A time to swallow hard and take the first step to do what He has put in your heart to do. A time to not look back or around but ahead.
A time to face the wind.
But there is a time to pursue passionately what you have been called to do. To get out of the prision, face the Pharaoh and stand up for what you were created to do. A time to swallow hard and take the first step to do what He has put in your heart to do. A time to not look back or around but ahead.
A time to face the wind.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Photoblogs
Sunday, April 30, 2006
passion
passion...
i was speaking at a church, sharing one of my favorite subjects: "Hearing God's Voice", the woman approached me amazed. "I don't know if I believe what you are saying, but I sure believe that you believe in it!" i was both frustrated and pleased;left wondering about my communication skills but glad that appeared to be authentic in my beliefs.
despite the biblical admonition,i have never been slow to speak or slow to anger. in my early days i was regularly in trouble because of my outspokeness in school. i even spoke out on behalf of people who didn't appreciate it. the stoner who hadn't memorized the poem in English; the work crew who feared reprisial by management; the customer who was confused by the misleading sales ad; the pew sitter in church...
i wondered if i would ever grow up and grow out of this need to speak out, the need to seek after my idea of justice. some assured me that i would, and i few years ago i thought i had. i began to be described as pragmatic, sensible, balanced, safe, even reasonable.
inside though i was conflicted, i had learned the 'proper way' to get things done but was growing less and less convinced that they were the things that should be done.
i am starting to feel passion again and though it feels dangerous, it feels like the true me.
pray i now have the grace to have His passion and zeal and not my own.
i was speaking at a church, sharing one of my favorite subjects: "Hearing God's Voice", the woman approached me amazed. "I don't know if I believe what you are saying, but I sure believe that you believe in it!" i was both frustrated and pleased;left wondering about my communication skills but glad that appeared to be authentic in my beliefs.
despite the biblical admonition,i have never been slow to speak or slow to anger. in my early days i was regularly in trouble because of my outspokeness in school. i even spoke out on behalf of people who didn't appreciate it. the stoner who hadn't memorized the poem in English; the work crew who feared reprisial by management; the customer who was confused by the misleading sales ad; the pew sitter in church...
i wondered if i would ever grow up and grow out of this need to speak out, the need to seek after my idea of justice. some assured me that i would, and i few years ago i thought i had. i began to be described as pragmatic, sensible, balanced, safe, even reasonable.
inside though i was conflicted, i had learned the 'proper way' to get things done but was growing less and less convinced that they were the things that should be done.
i am starting to feel passion again and though it feels dangerous, it feels like the true me.
pray i now have the grace to have His passion and zeal and not my own.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
a city in the clouds
i was eight and it was early on a summer morning in Phoenix. i looked out my bedroom window to the east where i could see the sun beginning to wash the morning sky with colors of orange, red and yellow on the light purple clouds.
a lone cloud broke away from the pack and it's outline intrigued me. i saw an ancient city and i heard the word "Jerusalem". it was so clear that i thought maybe i was seeing a reflection of that faraway city in the sky.
it wasn't until years later that i would read a passage that reminded me of that vision, "Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God..." Revelation 21:2a
i watched until the cloud was lit up with the full light of the sun, changing in color from light purple to silvery gray.
all day i kept looking into the sky to see if i could see it again, and many times i watched at the window never to see it again.
this early summer morning i am looking again to see that city, "...prepared as a bride adorned for her husband." Revelation 21:2b
a lone cloud broke away from the pack and it's outline intrigued me. i saw an ancient city and i heard the word "Jerusalem". it was so clear that i thought maybe i was seeing a reflection of that faraway city in the sky.
it wasn't until years later that i would read a passage that reminded me of that vision, "Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God..." Revelation 21:2a
i watched until the cloud was lit up with the full light of the sun, changing in color from light purple to silvery gray.
all day i kept looking into the sky to see if i could see it again, and many times i watched at the window never to see it again.
this early summer morning i am looking again to see that city, "...prepared as a bride adorned for her husband." Revelation 21:2b
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Sobriety
i hear words echoing in my head and heart: "Repent, the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand." and i recall a hazy memory of seeing a man with long hair standing on the street corner preaching to group of plaid-uniformed 8th grade girls and their nun chaperon on their walking field trip to the library. as we waited for the light to change, he told us that Jesus is alive and will be returning to the earth soon. Sister Mary whispered that we should ignore him.
but i couldn't.
i was fascinated with seeing someone who was living as closely as my childish brain could imagine to John the Baptist and Jesus. i had read the Bible many times and couldn't make the connection between its words and our world. here i was seeing a connection!
when we got back to class i asked Sister, "What if that man is telling the truth, shouldn't we listen to him? Isn't he acting like a John the Baptist?" i can't remember her words, but i remember their impression- the Bible isn't really relevant for us today.
that day i began putting away my childhood faith.
but i couldn't.
i was fascinated with seeing someone who was living as closely as my childish brain could imagine to John the Baptist and Jesus. i had read the Bible many times and couldn't make the connection between its words and our world. here i was seeing a connection!
when we got back to class i asked Sister, "What if that man is telling the truth, shouldn't we listen to him? Isn't he acting like a John the Baptist?" i can't remember her words, but i remember their impression- the Bible isn't really relevant for us today.
that day i began putting away my childhood faith.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Senator Brownback, Abramoff, & Native Resolution of Apology?
How's this for irony? Senator Brownback (R-Kansas) reveals that he received over $42,000 from Jack Abramhoff. Brownback, you may remember is the senator from Kansas who sponsored a resolution of apology for Native Americans for the years of mistreatment and broken covenants from the US government. Abramhoff stands accused of defrauding several tribes of over $82 millon. He currently is working out a plea with the Department of Justice that may implicate several members of Congress.
Senator Brownback says he will donate the money he received in 2002 from a PAC to a charitable cause.
I have a suggestion Sam- How about a worthy Native American charity?
Sadly I still can't support SJ 15
Senator Brownback says he will donate the money he received in 2002 from a PAC to a charitable cause.
I have a suggestion Sam- How about a worthy Native American charity?
Sadly I still can't support SJ 15
Monday, December 05, 2005
racial reconciliation
just got done reading another blog about racial reconciliation and Christianity and once again the native people of this continent were overlooked in the discussion. why? is it because if names for your people are used as mascots for sports teams you aren't real? is it because there aren't very many of us? it is because mainstream america thinks we have casino money and are rich?
i just don't get it...
i just don't get it...
Friday, October 21, 2005
when the wind blows
The contrary winds may blow strong in my face, yet I will go forward and never turn back.
Teedyuscung (Delaware )
there is a story about buffalo that an Indian man i know tells. he says in his story that the buffalo are not like the white man's cattle- when the storm comes they scatter and turn away moving their heads away from the strength of the wind so that they can breath better. but the buffalo- when they see the storm approach, they turn and face it. they lower their heads and stand their ground. gathering in formation and the strongest get out in front and the weakest in the rear. some of them even paw at the ground as if to fight.
Be strong with the Lord's mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the Devil. For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms. Use every piece of God's armor to resist the enemy in the time of evil, so that after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground...
Teedyuscung (Delaware )
there is a story about buffalo that an Indian man i know tells. he says in his story that the buffalo are not like the white man's cattle- when the storm comes they scatter and turn away moving their heads away from the strength of the wind so that they can breath better. but the buffalo- when they see the storm approach, they turn and face it. they lower their heads and stand their ground. gathering in formation and the strongest get out in front and the weakest in the rear. some of them even paw at the ground as if to fight.
Be strong with the Lord's mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the Devil. For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms. Use every piece of God's armor to resist the enemy in the time of evil, so that after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground...
Monday, October 17, 2005
S.J. 15 Resolution of Apology to the Native Peoples
Dear Mr. Brownback:
No... I will not support your initiative.
I will not:
· Join your circle of prayer
· Contact my state senators and representatives to urge their support for this resolution
· Join your coalition
· Send you money to support your cause
· Use my influence to encourage others to do any of the above
“Why?” you ask. I will tell you that.
Your apology reads: “Whereas officials of the United States Government and private United States citizens harmed Native Peoples by the unlawful acquisition of recognized tribal land and the theft of tribal resources and assets from recognized tribal land…”
And today’s newspaper reads: “Twin investigations of Abramoff by the Senate Indian Affairs Committee and a multi-agency federal task force appear likely to tar a host of lawmakers… allegations against DeLay and nearly a dozen other lawmakers…House Administration Committee Chairman Robert W. Ney (R-Ohio), a DeLay ally, is facing questions about ties to Abramoff... And Rove allies have also been entangled in the Abramoff investigation. One is Ralph Reed, the former Christian Coalition leader who has struggled…to shake off suggestions that he received Indian gambling money to mount a lobbying effort against rival casinos.” Washington Post October 14th
Last month’s feature was a typical report on U.S. Government and Indian interaction: “Federal officials are investigating how National Archives documents of interest to Indians suing the Interior Department were found discarded in a trash bin and a wastebasket...Taken together, the two dumping incidents "may be intentional acts aimed at unlawfully removing or disposing of permanent records from the Interior Department…Congress found problems in 1994 with Interior's administration of 260,000 Indian trust accounts containing $400 million. Two years later, Elouise Cobell of the Blackfeet Indian tribe and others filed suit. They allege the department cheated about 500,000 Indians out of more than $100 billion, by mismanaging oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties from their lands dating to 1887. AP September, 21st
The apology says: “Whereas this Nation should address the broken treaties and many of the more ill-conceived Federal policies that followed, such as extermination, termination, forced removal and relocation, the outlawing of traditional religions, and the destruction of sacred places…”
And yet today the newspapers read: “A federal judge will decide whether wastewater will be used for snowmaking on San Francisco Peaks, a site sacred to American Indians…For Navajos, the peaks, ''Dook'o'sliid,'' are one of the four sacred mountains. For Hopi, the peaks are ''Nubatukyaovi,'' home of the Katsina spirit messengers and the source of rain and hope. For Hualapai, it is the place of creation and for 14 area Indian tribes, the peaks are a place of prayer, ceremony and medicine gathering. Arizona Indian tribes went to federal court in October, seeking protection of the sacred mountain, arguing that Coconino National Forest Service violated the Religious Freedom Restoration Act and other land and cultural protection laws. ''There was no good-faith effort in dealing with the tribes,'' Howard Shanker, attorney for Indian tribes, told the federal judge during hearing arguments on Oct. 6.” Indian Country Today October 14th
I could go on…but it is depressing. Sorry, but NO. I won’t be supporting #15.
True reconciliation and apology means a change of thought and action.
What I will do is continue to pray and work for true reconciliation and forgiveness between our peoples, replete with new mindsets and behaviors. To do otherwise is to give you false hope of reconciliation. I believe that you are a man who wants the real thing.
Let's pray and work together for this and not words without weight.
Sincerely,
Anita Miller Hensley
Stockbridge Munsee Band of the Mohican Nation
No... I will not support your initiative.
I will not:
· Join your circle of prayer
· Contact my state senators and representatives to urge their support for this resolution
· Join your coalition
· Send you money to support your cause
· Use my influence to encourage others to do any of the above
“Why?” you ask. I will tell you that.
Your apology reads: “Whereas officials of the United States Government and private United States citizens harmed Native Peoples by the unlawful acquisition of recognized tribal land and the theft of tribal resources and assets from recognized tribal land…”
And today’s newspaper reads: “Twin investigations of Abramoff by the Senate Indian Affairs Committee and a multi-agency federal task force appear likely to tar a host of lawmakers… allegations against DeLay and nearly a dozen other lawmakers…House Administration Committee Chairman Robert W. Ney (R-Ohio), a DeLay ally, is facing questions about ties to Abramoff... And Rove allies have also been entangled in the Abramoff investigation. One is Ralph Reed, the former Christian Coalition leader who has struggled…to shake off suggestions that he received Indian gambling money to mount a lobbying effort against rival casinos.” Washington Post October 14th
Last month’s feature was a typical report on U.S. Government and Indian interaction: “Federal officials are investigating how National Archives documents of interest to Indians suing the Interior Department were found discarded in a trash bin and a wastebasket...Taken together, the two dumping incidents "may be intentional acts aimed at unlawfully removing or disposing of permanent records from the Interior Department…Congress found problems in 1994 with Interior's administration of 260,000 Indian trust accounts containing $400 million. Two years later, Elouise Cobell of the Blackfeet Indian tribe and others filed suit. They allege the department cheated about 500,000 Indians out of more than $100 billion, by mismanaging oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties from their lands dating to 1887. AP September, 21st
The apology says: “Whereas this Nation should address the broken treaties and many of the more ill-conceived Federal policies that followed, such as extermination, termination, forced removal and relocation, the outlawing of traditional religions, and the destruction of sacred places…”
And yet today the newspapers read: “A federal judge will decide whether wastewater will be used for snowmaking on San Francisco Peaks, a site sacred to American Indians…For Navajos, the peaks, ''Dook'o'sliid,'' are one of the four sacred mountains. For Hopi, the peaks are ''Nubatukyaovi,'' home of the Katsina spirit messengers and the source of rain and hope. For Hualapai, it is the place of creation and for 14 area Indian tribes, the peaks are a place of prayer, ceremony and medicine gathering. Arizona Indian tribes went to federal court in October, seeking protection of the sacred mountain, arguing that Coconino National Forest Service violated the Religious Freedom Restoration Act and other land and cultural protection laws. ''There was no good-faith effort in dealing with the tribes,'' Howard Shanker, attorney for Indian tribes, told the federal judge during hearing arguments on Oct. 6.” Indian Country Today October 14th
I could go on…but it is depressing. Sorry, but NO. I won’t be supporting #15.
True reconciliation and apology means a change of thought and action.
What I will do is continue to pray and work for true reconciliation and forgiveness between our peoples, replete with new mindsets and behaviors. To do otherwise is to give you false hope of reconciliation. I believe that you are a man who wants the real thing.
Let's pray and work together for this and not words without weight.
Sincerely,
Anita Miller Hensley
Stockbridge Munsee Band of the Mohican Nation
Sunday, October 16, 2005
kingdom now or to come?
i am reading a book the presence of the future by george ladd. it's about one of my favorite subjects: the kingdom of God. i have heard so many messages lately that have me a little concerned. many are preaching that we are already in eternity, so we should start thinking and acting like it. in other words the kingdom is here- go in and possess your land. the emphasis is primarily personal and seems to give the impression that we will overcome all here now in this earth and we will transform it into a glorious place for the King to come back to.
sounds good. sounds american. "if i build it- he'll come"
as i have been reading the word i am stuck by the scarcity of times that God uses human ability to advance his kingdom. it seems the opposite is true. it seems he uses our inabililty to his advantage. my eloquence to present his truth may actually hinder his purposes, as i lean on that and not on him.
in acts, right after the disciples have seen Jesus, they question him again about the timing of the kingdom asking him, "Lord, at this time will you restore the kingdom to Israel?" and Jesus tells them the timing is not for them to know, but they are to wait for the power of the Holy Spirit to come to them. i think he is still saying the same thing today...
"My thoughts are completely different from yours," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."
sounds good. sounds american. "if i build it- he'll come"
as i have been reading the word i am stuck by the scarcity of times that God uses human ability to advance his kingdom. it seems the opposite is true. it seems he uses our inabililty to his advantage. my eloquence to present his truth may actually hinder his purposes, as i lean on that and not on him.
in acts, right after the disciples have seen Jesus, they question him again about the timing of the kingdom asking him, "Lord, at this time will you restore the kingdom to Israel?" and Jesus tells them the timing is not for them to know, but they are to wait for the power of the Holy Spirit to come to them. i think he is still saying the same thing today...
"My thoughts are completely different from yours," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."
Saturday, October 15, 2005
love = acceptance?
i spent the morning with my friend. she had just returned home from the reservation and we spent most of our time getting in and out of the car (garage sales) and talking. we had a good discussion that reminded me a lot of what i am struggling with in church issues. she wanted to know why we seem to put conditions on the people we love i.e. i love you but if you are homosexual i can't support that part of your life and won't go to your wedding. She asked if you really love someone, don't you have to really accept all of them? she wanted to know if we weren't demanding them to follow our beliefs to really have our love. i told her that i thought there was a difference between loving someone and accepting all their beliefs.
i am having a hard time with some of the things that i used to believe. i find myself moving towards more traditional beliefs and away from a very generous orthodoxy that i have been walking in for several years. and in the process, really having a hard time loving people (Christians) whose beliefs i can no longer accept.
it makes me think of the passage in traveling mercies by anne lamott. she is on a plane with a right wing christian who is reading a popular christian book that she has just described in a book review as "hard-core right-wing paranoid anti-Semitic homophobic misogynistic propaganda." he sees her cross necklace and asks her if she too is born again. i hold my breath as i read her answer, finally she says "yes."
would that i would have the grace to say the same.
My prayer for all of them is that they will be one, just as you and I are one, Father--that just as you are in me and I am in you, so they will be in us, and the world will believe you sent me.
i am having a hard time with some of the things that i used to believe. i find myself moving towards more traditional beliefs and away from a very generous orthodoxy that i have been walking in for several years. and in the process, really having a hard time loving people (Christians) whose beliefs i can no longer accept.
it makes me think of the passage in traveling mercies by anne lamott. she is on a plane with a right wing christian who is reading a popular christian book that she has just described in a book review as "hard-core right-wing paranoid anti-Semitic homophobic misogynistic propaganda." he sees her cross necklace and asks her if she too is born again. i hold my breath as i read her answer, finally she says "yes."
would that i would have the grace to say the same.
My prayer for all of them is that they will be one, just as you and I are one, Father--that just as you are in me and I am in you, so they will be in us, and the world will believe you sent me.
Friday, October 14, 2005
kshachchen
kshachchen- the mohican word for wind.
this is a time of changing winds; we are in transition in so many areas of our lives-esp the church. for me at least, it is easy to become disoriented and discouraged. esv, tniv, nkj or message? emergent or reformed? Jesus or Creator? hymns or U2? mclaren or grudem?
tribal tradition says in times like this we look to the east which speaks of new light and new beginnings.
I look up to the mountains-- does my help come from there?
My help comes from the LORD, who made the heavens and the earth!
this is a time of changing winds; we are in transition in so many areas of our lives-esp the church. for me at least, it is easy to become disoriented and discouraged. esv, tniv, nkj or message? emergent or reformed? Jesus or Creator? hymns or U2? mclaren or grudem?
tribal tradition says in times like this we look to the east which speaks of new light and new beginnings.
I look up to the mountains-- does my help come from there?
My help comes from the LORD, who made the heavens and the earth!
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